All the Single Ladies

I google imaged for this post, as I usually do. The results are always amazing. This time, my search was “cute boy glasses.” The first result:

Love.

I googled “cute boy glasses” to find an example of what a man should wear if he has glasses. Obviously, the hotness potential is very high. Oh my god, my eyes just rolled back in my head thinking of hot men in glasses. I am pro-foureyes.

However, they can be a boner-killer if done wrong. Transition Lenses are the far end of the spectrum, at least until they perfect that technology. And then the whole swath of unflattering specs just… out there. Waiting for an unsuspecting dude who thinks they’re “serviceable” or “unobtrusive” or “classic.” False.

Case in point, Haymow. We had our team social last week. Off the softball diamond, he wears terrible glasses. Not a shred of style to them. And folks, they killed my crush dead.

UNDEAD GLASSES:

Haymow isn’t happening. it’s not totally the glasses. But it’s at least half the glasses. And it’s not like they’re his “these are my bedtime reading glasses” or something. That would be adorable, because the ugly of the bedroom is intimate exactly because you don’t spread that shit around in public.

Anyway, I know that if I started dating him, I would want to dump him in eight weeks, so I’m just not even going to bother. If he asks me out, I will go. In fact, if he initiates, I’m all about it. In the pie chart of [ah! made a pie chart]:

Blamo. There you have it. Again, if he overcomes the purple part of the pie chart and overcomes the yellow and red sections, I will deal with the green section. Or we can shop for new glasses. And if he overcomes the blue part of the graph, I will shit my pants. And then he will make a pie chart like this and my green section will be “Pants Crapper.”

I am currently seeking a new crush.

[Full Disclosure: I have always had great vision. Don’t hate.]